Mudsex
+21With 21 votes
As seen by Anonymous. Posted under Imperian as a Funnies log.Pulled from the imperian forums, edited out langauge censors.
Submitted 8 Feb 2010. 8384 views in total, 1.51 per day.Okay, here's something that annoys me. There are certain people you run into in Imperian, and I'm not gonna blow up the whole world over this one, mind you, but all the same if these people get ecoli and shit themselves to death, then I'm gonna really laugh.
Well, we've got Imperian here, and, well, what do you think of when you think of Imperian? Well, let's see. We've got PKing, we've got RP, and MUDSEX. Yes, deny it all you want, but we do get online and type-fuck back and forth, and, it might be a sad thing, I don't know, but at least we're not out harpooning dolphins and gang-raping social workers, you know? So, yay for mudsex. And hey. People might think it's weird to roleplay sex online, but shit, they voted for Obama, right? So what the fuck do they know? These are the same people that spent twenty million dollars supporting the AIDS foundation, and two billion dollars watching fucking Avatar. So they can kiss my ass, and go to hell.
So I was mudsexing someone online recently. And that means I was pretend fucking, for those of you who don't know. And, there are usually better things to do with my time, sure. But after spending another day on this planet with a few billion assholes who can't tell the difference between gourmet coffee and fucking Starbucks, pretending to rape a six foot tall sidhe with an eight foot long dick is actually rather liberating, you know? Gurgling shrieks of ultimate suffering always brighten my day, even if they're just pretend.
So I'm mudsexing this sidhe and I'm trying to make this - this is supposed to be fun, right? That's the whole point. I'm not here for charity. This is not a March of Dimes Fuckathon or something. There are no sponsors giving a dollar to some poor diseased wretch for every sidhe I rip apart with my penis, I'm here for entertainment value, you know? So I'm trying to help make this fun for everybody. And I'm putting a little effort into this, you know? There's no reason mudsex can't be nicely written, right? Nothing with putting a little art into your pretend fucking. So I type a good four or five lines here describing just how exactly how I'm ramming my vast, throbbing love probe against her lungs, you know? I'm at least attempting to be descriptive here. And now it's the sidhe's turn, and she goes, "Oh yeah, baby, don't stop."
And that was it. Got a Xiur love god screwing her to oblivion here and that's all I get. And so, I thought, well, you know, shit, maybe she's hard to impress or something, you know? Maybe she's overdosed on her Prozac. For all I know, this chick could be getting fucked by King Kong every Tuesday night and I'm just a one-inch wonder to her here. So I try it again, and I write this paragraph, and I'm killing pixies with this shit, it's so nasty. I'm ripping a hole in the ozone, angels falling out of the clouds, dead. This stuff was so detailed, it could have made the entire world clinch their asses shut. And the sidhe goes, "Ooh, yeah, fuck me hard."
So it's like, fuck, woman, do you have like, two fingers or something? What, are you trying to type with your left ass cheek here? I mean, I'm not asking for Charles Dickens, you know, but can we at least move past Debbie Does Dallas? I'm trying to do some decent fucking here. And she says, "Well, I'm doing the best I can." Yeah, well, if that's the best you can do, well you shouldn't be allowed to fuck. I'm sorry, but you should be gassed before anyone else stuffs their dick into you if that's the best you can do. I'm not here to write a porn novel for you, okay? I need some feedback, you lazy shit.
It never fails. Every time I'm in the mood to play around, I wind up getting some RPer whose about as passionate as a bridge game with Jeff Goldblum and it's annoying the shit out of me. Is it too much to bother being a little expressive here? Where's the romance? I might as well be screwing a bucket of dead accountants over here. I mean how would you like fucking a dead chick with a pull string on her chest? You know, you fuck her for a little bit, you pull the string, "Oh, do me baby. Oh, fuck me harder."
Though I guess it's probably hard to have pretend sex when you've never had any real sex. If you screw the same way in real life as you do online then your dick probably got bored and fell off. Well, you know what? Get off the internet. Okay? Get off and go fuck a real person for once. It'll do you some good, and it'll do me some good too because I won't come away from a mudsex session with you feeling like I just tried to fuck a stack of catatonic sushi. Either learn to pretend fuck properly, or for God's sake, stop doing it.
Hey, it's just a stupid trivial thing anyway, right? You won't miss it at all. If you simply can't put a little effort into your mudsex, just make a little badge that says "I fuck like Michael Landon" and start an Imperian Canasta group or something. But stop wasting everyone's mudsex time, because - well, is mudsex the most important thing on the planet or something? I don't know, I just felt like bitching about it, god damn it. So everyone just pretend that I had a good moral lesson at the end, and we'll call it even.
Well, we've got Imperian here, and, well, what do you think of when you think of Imperian? Well, let's see. We've got PKing, we've got RP, and MUDSEX. Yes, deny it all you want, but we do get online and type-fuck back and forth, and, it might be a sad thing, I don't know, but at least we're not out harpooning dolphins and gang-raping social workers, you know? So, yay for mudsex. And hey. People might think it's weird to roleplay sex online, but shit, they voted for Obama, right? So what the fuck do they know? These are the same people that spent twenty million dollars supporting the AIDS foundation, and two billion dollars watching fucking Avatar. So they can kiss my ass, and go to hell.
So I was mudsexing someone online recently. And that means I was pretend fucking, for those of you who don't know. And, there are usually better things to do with my time, sure. But after spending another day on this planet with a few billion assholes who can't tell the difference between gourmet coffee and fucking Starbucks, pretending to rape a six foot tall sidhe with an eight foot long dick is actually rather liberating, you know? Gurgling shrieks of ultimate suffering always brighten my day, even if they're just pretend.
So I'm mudsexing this sidhe and I'm trying to make this - this is supposed to be fun, right? That's the whole point. I'm not here for charity. This is not a March of Dimes Fuckathon or something. There are no sponsors giving a dollar to some poor diseased wretch for every sidhe I rip apart with my penis, I'm here for entertainment value, you know? So I'm trying to help make this fun for everybody. And I'm putting a little effort into this, you know? There's no reason mudsex can't be nicely written, right? Nothing with putting a little art into your pretend fucking. So I type a good four or five lines here describing just how exactly how I'm ramming my vast, throbbing love probe against her lungs, you know? I'm at least attempting to be descriptive here. And now it's the sidhe's turn, and she goes, "Oh yeah, baby, don't stop."
And that was it. Got a Xiur love god screwing her to oblivion here and that's all I get. And so, I thought, well, you know, shit, maybe she's hard to impress or something, you know? Maybe she's overdosed on her Prozac. For all I know, this chick could be getting fucked by King Kong every Tuesday night and I'm just a one-inch wonder to her here. So I try it again, and I write this paragraph, and I'm killing pixies with this shit, it's so nasty. I'm ripping a hole in the ozone, angels falling out of the clouds, dead. This stuff was so detailed, it could have made the entire world clinch their asses shut. And the sidhe goes, "Ooh, yeah, fuck me hard."
So it's like, fuck, woman, do you have like, two fingers or something? What, are you trying to type with your left ass cheek here? I mean, I'm not asking for Charles Dickens, you know, but can we at least move past Debbie Does Dallas? I'm trying to do some decent fucking here. And she says, "Well, I'm doing the best I can." Yeah, well, if that's the best you can do, well you shouldn't be allowed to fuck. I'm sorry, but you should be gassed before anyone else stuffs their dick into you if that's the best you can do. I'm not here to write a porn novel for you, okay? I need some feedback, you lazy shit.
It never fails. Every time I'm in the mood to play around, I wind up getting some RPer whose about as passionate as a bridge game with Jeff Goldblum and it's annoying the shit out of me. Is it too much to bother being a little expressive here? Where's the romance? I might as well be screwing a bucket of dead accountants over here. I mean how would you like fucking a dead chick with a pull string on her chest? You know, you fuck her for a little bit, you pull the string, "Oh, do me baby. Oh, fuck me harder."
Though I guess it's probably hard to have pretend sex when you've never had any real sex. If you screw the same way in real life as you do online then your dick probably got bored and fell off. Well, you know what? Get off the internet. Okay? Get off and go fuck a real person for once. It'll do you some good, and it'll do me some good too because I won't come away from a mudsex session with you feeling like I just tried to fuck a stack of catatonic sushi. Either learn to pretend fuck properly, or for God's sake, stop doing it.
Hey, it's just a stupid trivial thing anyway, right? You won't miss it at all. If you simply can't put a little effort into your mudsex, just make a little badge that says "I fuck like Michael Landon" and start an Imperian Canasta group or something. But stop wasting everyone's mudsex time, because - well, is mudsex the most important thing on the planet or something? I don't know, I just felt like bitching about it, god damn it. So everyone just pretend that I had a good moral lesson at the end, and we'll call it even.